Well, Im in university now. I did so much during high school just to get into a good school, and now I wonder if its even worth it. The school is crazy expensive and even if its one of the best in the country, I wonder if thats worth the amount of debt I'll be in after the next four years. I feel like I'll never adjust to this place. I'm struggling with my classes and I have to work a job on top of that to pay for my tuition. I feel stupid at times, especially when I'm surrounded by other people who are much more affluent, who studied at private schools to get here, who dont have to work a job to go to school, who get to party and still get good grades. I feel like a failure compared to these people, as if my life could never amount to the same as theirs, yet I also feel a certain level of superiority from seeing how much has been handed to them compared to the modest life I grew up in. I don't know. I dont even know if university is right for me. I love to learn, but I feel as if I'm dying here. It's not so bad as it was the first few months, but I've grown accustomed to this emptiness, this hollow feeling one attains from continious solutide. The loneliness has been profound, but manageable. I don't feel that I have any friends, even those I felt close with in high school feel so far away now that I'm in college, despite only being 30 minutes away from home. I feel that this is not the path I must take, but I am too much of a coward to leave university, much less tell my parents. I do not enjoy it here, but if I dont get a degree what am I to do with myself? Everything feel utterly hopeless. I am reading Anna Karenina in my Russian literature class. Despite my disliking towards Anna at times, I feel I understand her suffering. This feeling of being alienated from society, and being the cause of your suffering. Maybe it is I who is the maker of my own evil, and this I think of a lot.